A broken man?

Posted on Sat Jan 8th, 2022 @ 1:17pm by Lieutenant Commander Shoniara T’ghann-Travis Dr & Ensign Zack Ravencroft & Petty Officer 1st Class Amethyst Reece

Mission: Sinister Intentions
Location: Starbase 451, observation area
Timeline: After JAG

Ensign Ravencroft stood silently in the garden of the starbase. It was a popular gathering area for visitors and personnel who worked on the station and spaceships. The psychological effects of seeing living trees, standing on real grass and soil were always in mind when building a permanent home in space. To Zack, it was better than a holodeck, the subconscious mind always knew it was fake and that removed some of the effects for him. Now he had found a nice spot on a patch of grass that was relatively secluded, placed down a blanket, some snacks in a basket, and was sketching in his book.

It was very relaxing and he could lose himself in it, this time he was actually sketching Nurse Reece as if she was leaning against one of the trees not far from him. He had pictured her in a nice summer dress and her thick red hair swaying slightly in the win, even if there was no real wind in this area.

Dex walked into the garden, she just had a few minutes before having to return to the JAG office for the verdict on Jon. It was difficult to think in there and her dress uniform itched. She saw Zack and flamed red remembering her antics of the other night. She turned to go back inside.

"Am I that much of a pain Doctor Doctor?" he asked, he had noticed her looking his way as he looked up for a moment.

She turned back and walked towards him. “Good morning Ensign, you look as though you are enjoying the scenery. It makes a change from the ship but I do not think we will be here long.” She pulled her dress collar away from her neck again. Surak it was itchy.

"Indeed." He saw her pawing her uniform. "Are you alright?"

She smiled ruefully, “ to be honest no Lt it is these damn dress uniforms. The collars are never right and they itch continually. I hate wearing them.” She saw the sketchbook in his hand, I" can see you were busy drawing, you do lovely work.” She stopped realizing he had not known she had been looking that night.

"How do you know?" He narrowed his eyes, closing his book.

She knew she had to come clean, there was no way to defend what she had done. This was a friendship that would end just as it had begun. “I can only apologize, the other …night I could not sleep and I came across your sketchbook. I was interested because your work is beautiful. I am at fault and I have no excuse.”

He stood up, walked up with a stony face. "You invaded my privacy. What did you see."

“Just your first couple of sketches. You have a true talent, absolutely beautiful. I was actually going to ask you if you draw me for…. a friend.”

"Draw you... In what setting?" He was worried of what she would say. She was the one with who he felt closest.

“In any setting you want, if you will do it. I think your work is of a professional standard, I would be honored.”

"No, any setting YOU want. You are the one who asked for the sketch." He turned and sat down on the blanket again. He had a feeling someone had gotten to her before him. It wasn't the first time and it made him depressed, but he didn't let it show.

“I would like to be under a tree with my hair long and blowing slightly in the breeze.” She had felt bad for what happened that night. If he had kissed her she would have responded and... she shook the picture out of her head.. he had rejected her and she had possibly found someone else, not that she knew that yet. She thought she could have loved Zack.

"That is easy. May I ask who it is for?" He dreaded the answer. But he rather has the answer now and deal with it. "What kind of tree, any specific season? What clothing?"

She decided to come completely clean. “Zach, that night we sparred and I slept in your bed, at the time I did not want a romance but when you woke I wanted so badly to be with you, to have you take me in your arms and make love to me. However, it did not turn out like that did it and I realized you did not think of me in that way. Then I met someone, only a few nights ago his name is Seth Travis and he's our new Diplomatic Liason. I do not know what will happen but.………… “ she trailed off. “It is for him.”

His fear was confirmed and a pained smile briefly came to him before he put on a flat mask to hide his depression. "I do not have sex for the sake of having it. I want something more and go slow. But I am happy for you." Zack should be used by it by now, but he was dying a little more on the inside. He decided to try and change the subject. "I am curious as to why you haven't removed the scars on your back."

She saw the look on his face and cried inside. “I thought I could love you, Zach, making love is not the same as having sex for me. Making love is so much more, maybe if you could have given me a clue that maybe you wanted more I could have... anyway my scars. I keep them as a reminder of my past, the guilt I carry that I failed to save my husband and my child from the flames. That is why.”

"I understand that. But for me, something like that needs to be built up to. Not just jumped into." he paused, he didn't know exactly how to address what she had said, after a moment he opened a new page in his book and started to sketch. "It must be uncomfortable and tight at times with those scars. I might have a suggestion if you are willing."

She nodded. “They are painful every minute of every day but they are my burden.” She stood remembering for a moment the heat and the appalling sight of her baby girl and beloved husband burning. She angrily wiped a tear from her eye. "What are you drawing?”

"The scene of what you wanted. But I have an idea, you will not need pain as a reminder, I highly doubt they would approve of you in pain. But..." he flipped back in his sketchbook. One page held a very classy yet sexy image of a long-haired woman. It wasn't someone he knew, just he loved to draw the beauty of women sometimes. She was naked, but covered up her private part and smiled warmly at the viewer. On the other page, there was a sketch of a bird of fire. "Why not remove the scars and place this on your back instead. It's not very comfortable to get a tattoo, but you can heal. It's not healthy to grieve for too long. You need to finish the steps if you don't want to have guilt with this new potential relationship you are working on." He showed her the sketch, trying to hide the sketch of the woman at the same time.

She looked at the firebird. “It is rather beautiful, it would have to fill the whole of my back..it is something I have never considered removing my scars because I have never felt not guilty. Hold on,” she moved his hand away from the sketch he was trying to hide “who is that?” She asked.

"You can make it as big as you like." He closed the sketchbook when she asked about the other sketch. "No one I know. I just like to sketch the beauty of women sometimes." He shrugged, he was sure she would think him creepy.

Amethyst was strolling through another section of the arboretum, she enjoyed being amongst nature and on a ship, or starbase the arboretum was the closest you got to nature. Her long gingery red hair was flowing loose now she was off duty, appearing from some trees she offered a warm smile as she saw Zack and Shon. “I hope I’m not intruding?” She smiled warmly.

Dex had wanted to say yes, you are intruding as she had wanted to continue the conversation but she had to return to the JAG office for the conclusion. “By all means, Amethyst, have you two met? Amethyst is one of my nurses, a rather good one in my opinion. Amethyst this is Zach Ravencroft.” She placed her hand on Zack’s arm. “Maybe we can spar again sometime.” She nodded and left.

“Thank you Dex” Amethyst smiled warmly before looking back at Zack. “It’s nice to see you again Zack, I get the feeling I kind of intruded on your conversation.”

"It wasn't something too important," Zack said, hiding his book. Since she didn't know about it, he was sure she would be disgusted by knowing he had made a sketch of her in a summer dress. Naturally, he had to take liberties since he had only seen her in uniform.

Amethyst noticed Zack closing his book. “Is that a sketchbook?” She looked at him curiously. “I’ve never been very good at drawing, I don’t have what it takes to be an artist. Would you show me what you were drawing?”

He was reluctant at first, he flipped it open and showed her a scenery of a winter forest. He made sure to keep it out of arms reach.

“Oh my...that's beautiful Zack!” Amethyst smiled. “You’re a talented artist. What else do you like to draw?”

"Thank you." He closed the book. "A little of everything."

“So you draw people too?” She was curious what it was he was so reluctant to show her.

"Sometimes..." the path of questions was going to a place he didn't want it to go.

Amethyst’s Counselling instincts told her she was making Zack uncomfortable, his body language was screaming the fact as he gripped the sketch pad. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to pry. I was just taking a walk, I should be going.”

"OK, be safe." He said, the fact that he had become highly anti-social over the years had made him very blunt and he would realize his mistake later.

Amethyst was kind of hoping Zack would ask her to stay, but he was obviously wanting her to go. She nodded and turned to leave, wondering if Zack would even realize that she’d actually wanted to spend a little time with him.

Dex wandered back out into the garden smiling, "before you go Amethyst, Zack I just wanted you to know the Commander got off with a reprimand so we are going back to the ship now.” She immediately felt the tension between the pair and tried to ease it. "Why don’t you both go have something to eat as we will all be recalled to the ship soon. It is so nice to get out from the environment of the ship.”.

Amethyst looked towards Zack, then back at Dex. “I think I’ve held Zack up long enough already” She offered a smile. “I’ll head back and leave the two of you to enjoy dinner.”

“No you misunderstand I have to go get the Commander back to his quarters, however, both have the luxury of spending a little more time on the Starbase.” She smiled “don’t let me have to make it an order, Zack?” She asked.

"I am not on duty Doctor, nor is it anything that has to do with my health. So order all you want, I want to see you try and force me." The fact that he was being forced into it flared up his annoyance and blinded him from the damage he was doing to the potential relationship he could have with the nurse.

“Zack you need to… oh never mind, in fact, you are on duty. We have all been recalled, I was just… giving you a few more minutes, but if you do not want to, as you say I cannot force you.” She shook her head and walked away feeling that somehow she had fueled his anger.

Amethyst said nothing more instead she headed out of the arboretum catching up with Dex. “Shon... thank you for trying. I appreciate it.”

Zack looked confused, he had no idea what was going on. He sighed and collected the blanket to head back on board.

A couple of hours later Dex found herself outside Zack’s door, she pressed the chime.

"Come!" Came from inside the quarters.

She entered, "Zach I am here as a friend, may I speak to you?”

It took a moment before Zack came out from around the corner and handed her a piece of paper. "What's with the 'white flag' greeting?" he asked calmly.

“I wasn’t aware it was a ‘white flag’ situation, what is this?” She asked taking the paper.

"Really? The 'I am here as a friend isn't something you would say to pacify someone. That is the sketch you wanted."

“Nevertheless it is true, I am here as a friend even if you push me away. Why are you like this, what has happened in your life that makes you push people away and sabotage your life?

"I see you as a friend, I am not pushing anyone away... At least not intentionally. I don't think me telling you about my failures in romance will help anyone." Zack said, walking over to the replicator. Thinking about what he had just called her, well. It was true in a way. But he dared not hope. "You want anything?"

“Yes, please I would love an Earl Grey tea, hot. So, failures in romance are a huge part of the way you are feeling and the way you act around people, Zack you push people away you must realize that. May I sit?”

"Sure, have a seat." he didn't answer her observation, it might be true but he had been hurt so many times that in order not to let the depression get to him, he made himself very guarded. She had caught him in a rare 'alright' moment right now. Zack got her tea and got some strawberry tea for himself with a touch of honey in it.

Calmly he placed the tea on the table, handing someone hot tea when they didn't have a good grip on the mug was a recipe for disaster. Without another word, he stood by the small viewport and looked out of it.

She sat watching him wrestle with himself. “Why do you so vulnerable where romance and friendship with women are?” She took a sip of the hot tea. She desperately wanted to understand this man who desperately needed a friend he could trust.

He sipped his tea and didn't answer for a few long seconds. "Every time I get close to any friend, with time. I get left or ignored when they realize I am too much work. Each girl I was romantically involved with gave up after a few months if I was lucky. Sometimes I am to meet someone in person, but they never show up and I get ignored after that." thinking about it, made his depression return and his shoulders visible sagged from the pain.

She wanted to take him in her arms and hug him but she knew that would not help. “Was there a catalyst for this in your life? This feeling that you are ‘too much work?”

"I don't know. I was told that I was being unfaithful to them, like I would ever disrespect a woman by going behind her back. Hell, I would have a hard time doing another woman even if both women were into it."

“Do you think that maybe they were not the right person fo you? It May sound trite but it is true, I am 40 years old and I have had one love of my life. You are still so young but you have to be open to people, make friendships, those are the things that can turn into love. Physical attraction is important, of course it is but so is friendship. Good friendships help you grow and mature.

"Even my friends leave me. I can live without the sex, I can help myself if I get the itch. But I always wanted the close connection. Going to sleep and waking up with her in my arms, cooking for her, even going shopping with her if that makes her happy. But... I have been left so many times that I rather not risk it." He looked at his wrist, on bad days he had considered slicing them, but he never went that far. The tattoos on his arms were a reminder to stay strong. Maybe it was silly, but it worked.

She had some more tea, “what about male friends,” she asked cautiously.

"Had them, but never really connected with them. All the talked about was how 'sexy' some girl was they saw and what they wanted to do to them. That kind of attitude really pissed me off." He huffed.

She noticed he had looked at his wrists and as she had also been through the same thing she knew she could help him and gain his friendship. It would be slow and painful for them and this sentence would not help in the short term. “It seems to me you are looking for the ‘perfect woman?”

He huffed again. "No one is perfect."

“So them why are you striving for perfection in somebody else and yourself, when it does not exist?” She stood and took his hands in hers and turned them over so she could see his wrists. “I know you have considered this, and you know about what I say. I have also been further down this road than you.

"Depression is the beast that stalks us, drugs can help, alcohol and drugs helped me for a long while, or at least I thought the did. Now I live with this inside me and I accept is a part of me. That is why I carry the scars, they help me. Let me help you, be your friend Zack.”

He looked at her hands, her gentle grip, a grip with care. It stirred hope in his heart, but he had met women who had promised and held him just the same before. But his heart was so lonely and his eyes misted over without him noticing. "I don't strive for perfection. I only want someone who doesn't give up on me, the dozens of friends and girlfriends always leave because I am not worth it. I simply don't want to hurt ever again." Zack said, but all this talk pulled him back to his protective state. "Thank you for your visit Doctor Doctor, but I want to be alone."

“That is going to be a problem for you then Ensign because you are no longer alone, you have me." She stood, kissed him on the cheek and left.

He stood there, in shock.