Seeking Help

Posted on Mon Jan 31st, 2022 @ 3:11pm by Lieutenant JG Eislyn Jortho & Lieutenant Commander Shoniara T’ghann-Travis Dr

Mission: Respite
Location: Counselor Eislyn Jortho’s Office

Lieutenant Shoniara Dex walked down the corridor to Counsellor Eislyn Jortho’s office wondering if she was doing the right thing. Whilst she was in sickbay and encouraged by Seth she had made the urgent appointment with the Counsellor. She could have taken the easier way out talking to her friend Callie but, this seemed rather embarrassing to admit, especially when she was Callie’s physician. She admonished herself for feeling like a schoolgirl attending the Principals office for some misdemeanour. However she was beginning to realise this was having an impact on her life and could be a problem for others. She pressed the chime and waited.

Eislyn was startled by the door chime. While she was technically still on duty, she didn't have a very busy schedule at the moment with most of the crew currently away on shore leave. As it was, Eislyn had been napping as she had stayed out far too late enjoying some of the amenities of the station. She slowly got up and straightened her uniform before making her way to the door, stopping ever so briefly to look herself over in the mirror to ensure she looked presentable.

Dex entered. “Thank you for seeing me at short notice Counsellor I am sorry to break into your leave but I have a rather pressing problem.” Her arm suddenly felt as though it had been shocked and it jumped but, she had been warned this would happen for a while until the nerves healed completely.

Eislyn noted the flinch as Dex entered. "Not a problem doctor. Is everything alright?" she asked as she looked at Dex's arm.

“I sustained and injury to my arm and have just had surgery, this is just residual pain.” She sat down.

"Interesting. I do hope you will be alright. Can you tell me how it happened?"

She sighed, “maybe I have done the wrong thing coming to see you. I think I will be fine. Sorry for wasting your time counselor.” She stood to go.

Eislyn tried to stop her, "Doctor, you don't have to speak about it if you don't want, but I was genuinely concerned. You obviously came here needing to talk. It would be a shame if you wasted the trip."

Dex nodded and sat back down. “I hurt my arm on the holodeck, I went head to head with a great white shark in Tahiti and it nearly took my arm. My program was running without the holodeck safety's and I put the lives of my friends at risk.

Eislyn frowned. "Safety protocols are in place for a reason. I assume you had a good reason to to circumvent them, much like I suppose you had a good reason to think you could take on one of Earth's deadliest predators in its natural environment."

“The great white was just a by product of my environment I did not go seeking it out but I did realize it might be there in the deep water off the Tahitian reef. I have been running programs without safety’s for a while now but this time I might have endangered others.”

Eislyn was concerned. "Goodness why?"

“I am an excellent swimmer and due to my heritage can stay underwater for much longer than others. I was so engaged in my own pleasure and excitement I forgot that the other members of my holodeck party did not have those same skills. One of my party suffered from cramp and had to be rescued .

"That is understandable, but running these programs without safeties is a call for help. Please, tell me what made you feel the need to run the programs in this manner with others."

This is the first time I have ever let other people take part in one with me. Normally I fly old jet planes and without the safety’s it concentrates one’s mind knowing that if you do something wrong the program just does not end, death ends it. I just spent two days away on a water planet, we encountered local, I shall say wildlife’ very loosely and underwater beasts living in very deep fissures. My partner was absolutely terrified but I was not, in fact I went seeking them out. I realize I go out looking for dangers that make me feel alive and, if I die then I die.

Eislyn shook her head. "That is an answer I would expect from a Klingon, or from the captain. You are neither. You are a doctor. You above all others know better."

She leaned forward and put her head in her hands. “I just realized I have felt this way ever since I saw my husband and daughter burn despite trying to save them. Counselor I know the need to keep others safe, I work hard to do that every day and I succeed very well at doing so. It is as though there is another person inside trying to feel ….something! Even at the expense of my life.”

Eislyn understood all too well what Dex was describing. In her past lives she had dealt with this, as a friend and family member, and firsthand as well. As a counselor she had seen this as well, from many of those that had fought in the war. Survivors guilt. "I understand how you are feeling. I have plenty of experience regarding it. It is known as survivors guilt, and it is a potent emotional state that can overwhelm anyone, even Vulcans. We can do something to help you, but you have to want to be helped."

Dex sat back in her chair, silent for a moment. Then it came forth like burst of static. “I feel the guilt every hour of my day, and feel as though I will every day of my very long life but, I recently met someone on board and have very much maybe stupidly fallen in love. On our trip I again put him in danger. He told me that, if I died he would take revenge for my death. Counselor I love him too much to put him through what I go through, so, yes I want to be helped.”

"The first thing that you have to understand and accept is that you will always have feelings regarding what happened, and guilt in some way will always be with you. That said, you can and will get past this, if you want to. And falling in love is not stupid. Moving on and finding someone that can make you feel that way believe it or not is a step in the right direction."

She nodded, “ I understand Counselor. Since Mark and Shasta died I have carried the burn scars on my back as penance and a remembrance of my failure to rescue them. They are a painful reminder of them every day, they were my life, also because of that night I have been told it would be very difficult to bear children and I feel guilty about that also. I have considered taking my life on occasion.

Eislyn listened to Dex. Her response was filled with red flags. "You are punishing yourself unnecessarily. The physical scars are redundant. You'll carry them mentally for the rest of you life. You'll never allow yourself to fully heal keeping painful reminders. And for reference, healing doesn't mean forgetting. As for the last frightening thing you said, suicide solves nothing. It ends your pain, but it puts incredible pain to so many others."

“So, how do I get past all this pain and self destruction?” Dex had told her everything, holding nothing back and she felt deflated and small.

"You start by forgiving yourself and allowing yourself to heal. You did everything you could and nothing will change what happened. Call it fate or destiny, but all life is linear; it has a beginning and an end, and while we all tell ourselves we have control over it, the reality is that we don't. Those scars you keep only serve as a physical reminder of the trauma. As I said, you'll carry the memories forever, so no use torturing yourself. You also have to forgive yourself for feeling powerless. It is a common mental ploy, but until you do forgive yourself for this weakness, you'll continue to torture yourself. Lastly, you have to understand that you have friends that you can count on to help you, and then allow yourself to be helped. As cliché as it may sound, you literally just have to take it one day at a time."

“So how do I go about this massive sea change?”

"Assuming you want to take the steps, you start with literally forgiving yourself. We will have to schedule some intensive therapy for you of course as well."

Dex’s voice began to break with anger, distress and embarrassment . “So I just tell me I forgive myself, it’s that easy? well I am telling you Counselor Jortho it is not that easy or I would have done it years ago!”

Eislyn shook her head, "No you wouldn't, and no you haven't. You refuse to let go and forgive yourself. You did everything you could and yet those you loved died. You were scarred, physically and mentally, and you have clung to that pain like a child with a security blanket. The first step is to genuinely forgive yourself. We'll do more together, but I can't make you forgive yourself."

“But you see I did not do everything I could, I stayed behind at the medical center to make sure a colonist family got on the transport, so, I was too late to save my own family, it actually WAS my fault, an hour earlier and the Cardassians would not have reached our home yet and my beautiful 5 year old daughter and my husband would have been long gone.” Her voice broke and she sobbed uncontrollably” my fault, my fault” she kept repeating rocking herself.

"You did your job. It comes with the uniform. You did do all you could."

She eventually managed to recover her Vulcan calm. “I apologize for my outburst Counselor, most unseemly and upsetting for you. That is the problem of having a logical calm side and a melodramatic emotional one.”

"No need to apologize. You are like everyone else when in crisis." Eislyn took a moment. "Do you feel capable of continuing, of trying to find some sort of inner peace?"

“Yes Counselor I am beginning to center myself and am ready to continue.”

"You need to put yourself into a semi meditative state. Focus yourself on the memories of the event and then see yourself. There is much pain, but as you view yourself, you must speak to the part of you that clings to this memory, to the pain, and forgive yourself. Give yourself permission to move past the pain."

“Is this something I should do now or in my own quarters?”

"Try to do it now. I'd like to see if we can take this first step together."

Dex responded by sitting up straight and putting her hands together in the posture she used for meditation. She slowed her breathing until it became rhythmical and deep. Her eyes closed and she began her journey back to a time she had not wanted to ever revisit. She saw the reasons and felt the past close in on her, the memories returning of the reason she was late, saw the transport life off, heard and felt the heat of the weapons fire turning her phaser on the enemy and killing, ending so many lives she did not know, each of them a living being. Then she began to shake in the chair as she forced her memory to re-live the moment she saw the inferno that was their home, heard the screams and saw the outstretched hands of her daughter as the fire began to melt her features, burned the flesh from …..she screamed not knowing she was screaming in her chair in Jortho’s office. Her eyes opened seeing nothing.

Eislyn sat quietly as Dex meditated and relived the horrible memory. This was a technique Eislyn had used many times, though she knew it wouldn't be easy. Even as Dex began to shake she knew things were going to get worse considering the memory, and then Dex began to wail. Eislyn understood the pain all too well, though it was a past life memory. She remained quiet as Dex opened her eyes, knowing she would be in an emotional daze for several moments. She slowly got up and walked over to Dex and then hugged her tightly and spoke softly, "It is alright. It will be alright."

Dex nodded partially understanding what she had just been through it had not been an active memory but one as if she were watching a holovid or an old Earth 1940’s film reel. She felt Jortho’s arms around her and felt safe.

"You have taken the first step. We will take the next steps together" Eislyn said in a soothing tone.