Broken

Posted on Sun Apr 27th, 2025 @ 10:22am by Lieutenant Ayana Hillis & Lieutenant JG James Phoenix & Lieutenant JG Eislyn Jortho

2,462 words; about a 12 minute read

Mission: Genetic Purity
Location: USS Washington

James trundled through the corridor on deck seven with a cold presence. He had been discharged from sickbay for about a day, but not cleared for duty until he had a counseling session with Eislyn. He hated being a sitting duck, but deep down he knew it was necessary for if he even thought about working in the armory. His legs still had lasting pain, but other than that he was recovering well physically.

His mental health was a different story. The interrogation on the surface had triggered post-traumatic stress from the Mirror Universe mission, likely due to the similar nature of the two situations. James was unsure if he'd even be able to remain in Starfleet after this. He turned the corner and slowed down. He was stalling. Needless to say, the lieutenant was flat out terrified of everything.

He knew the "everything" would subside, but there was the lasting anxiety. He knew that would be around for the foreseeable future. He eventually found himself in front of Eislyn's office. He tried to stall, but he instinctively pressed the door chime like he was reporting to the captain.

The door opened and a voice called out from inside, "Come in." Eislyn was sitting in her chair, and Lt Hillis was sitting on the old fashioned long black sofa chair. Ayana sat up and then stood, straightening her blouse. She too was off duty until cleared by a member of the counseling team, and at the moment that was just Eislyn.

"Come in lieutenant. I'm just finishing up with Ayana" Eislyn said in that soft soothing voice of hers.

Ayana looked at Eislyn, "Thanks for the chat doc. I'll give those meditation techniques a whirl." She turned and headed out, giving a simple head nod in acknowledgement to her junior officer and whispered as she walked by, "Good luck."

Eislyn stood to greet Phoenix. "Good to see you lieutenant. I trust your medical treatment for your injuries is going apace. Would you like something before we get started? Perhaps a drink?"

James nodded. "Doctors Howard and Del Rio did a great job, especially for what they had to deal with" he clasped his hands together anxiously. "You have any Vodka on hand?" It probably wasn't the best choice for the situation, but he needed to cool his nerves.

"I don't have any Earth alcohols on hand I'm afraid" Eislyn replied. "But if you are looking for a nonsynthetic beverage, I do have some Saurian brandy. All the brass seems to drink it on the regular, so you might as well start drinking it too" she said with a chuckle.

James laughed. "I might as well. Why not?"

She poured him a drink and brought it to him, "Hope this settles you." She sat back in her chair, "Take a seat. No need for you to stand there like this is some sort of cadet review. Just going to have a nice conversation, see if we can handle some of your latest issues."

"Thanks doc" he smiled lightly before taking a seat across from the counselor. James lifted up his drink with his left hand, forgetting that it was the arm that got burned. He winced after taking a sip before setting it down again. There would be some lasting pain for a little while.

"I'm not sure if this conversation is going to be necessarily nice" James quipped. He knew Eislyn was a good counselor, but he also knew what this specific conversation would entail. He didn't really see much of a counselor after his visit to the Mirror Universe and the interrogation here for him was very similar to the one with Shran's counterpart. Needless to say, he needed to dive into some dark memories.

"So, let's start off with something simple. Tell me how you feel" she said simply, hoping to put him at ease if possible.

James sighed. It was always that question with counselors. Not that it was a bad question to start. It was her job to ask that after-all. In all honesty, James struggled to define how he felt even though it was clear as to the status of his mental state. He felt like a train-wreck. He felt like a car being held up by duct tape and prayers.

"I feel like I've been lit on fire with gasoline poured on it" Phoenix said grimly.

Eislyn took a moment to figure all James has just said. Being lit on fire was certainly a wild thought, but gasoline, that was almost a mystery to her. If it wasn't for her symbiont, she would have no idea what it was. As it was, she did know, and gasoline was a highly combustible liquid that burned hot. "Why do you feel you are that way?"

He took another sip of his brandy. "For one thing I quite literally was set on fire. The pain in itself was something. But I can deal with that" he started and then sat his glass down with his good arm.

"The 'gasoline' was the relation between this mission and a past mission and the memories that spawned from it" Phoenix alluded.

"I see. And are you feeling like it was somehow your fault?" Eislyn questioned.

James shook his head. "Not this recent mission. Although I do feel that some things could have been prevented this time around. As for the Mirror Universe I couldn't have prevented that" he trailed off, as that started striking some dark memories.

"So, you are equating this current mission and the situation with a past mission and the memories are stirring some rather dark feelings in you. I can understand you not wanting to talk about these things, but bottling things up, avoiding them, that won't solve your problems or make things better, it just causes you more harm" Eislyn responded.

"Yeah... I know" he said. "That's roughly how I managed with the past mission. But then I was an Ensign. Now that I'm a Lieutenant I have more at stake. For one thing I don't want to be on duty and become emotionally compromised, let alone risk putting the ship in danger."

"I'm not saying I will" James added. "Because I won't let myself grow compromised. I just need to move past this somehow."

"Well, with a promotion does come added responsibility. Becoming compromised would only happen though if you allow these events to dominate you, to define who you are. If you talk about them, deal with what you are feeling, you take control of it and no longer risk being compromised" Eislyn responded.

Eislyn rose from her seat and walked over to the small table and poured herself a glass of Bajoran Spring Wine. The light pink liquid was one of the few indulgences she allowed herself when dealing with a difficult case, and only when a patient was drinking as well. "You know, I have read the reports about the Mirror Universe encounter. You don't have to feel restricted about it. Nothing happened in that mission that you could be blamed for. Do you think something happened on the planet here that was your fault somehow?"

"No. But I do feel like that there were things that could have been done differently by others. There were signs everywhere that those running that colony were corrupt with their perfectionist mindsets. I understand we couldn't jump to conclusions, but it still feels like some of what happened could have been prevented on our end" he vented.

Eislyn nodded in understanding. "I sympathize, but keep in mind that diplomacy is the first order when wearing that uniform. I think you all took as many precautions as one could reasonably expect before you went to talk to these people. I can tell you from experience, wearing this uniform comes with certain risks. The universe is a hostile place, and not everyone plays by the same rules as we do, nor do they all have the same general values we hold."

"You're right" Phoenix said, taking another swig from the glass of brandy before setting it down. He sighed. "But from a tactical perspective I feel like we led ourselves into a trap. I understand that we had to destroy the ship, I just feel like we could have done more to protect ourselves without a fight. But then again there isn't much we could have done except for making a retreat beforehand. But then we wouldn't be-" he stopped himself. He had answered his own questions. "Sorry. I don't mean to ramble."

"No need to complain. Sometimes rambling can be cathartic. You were trying to make something clear in your mind. Let that thought play out. I suspect that if you do, you'll talk yourself into some deeper matters that you have been avoiding" Eislyn replied.

James nodded. "That's some sound advice doc" he said honestly.

"Sometimes it is the simplest of things that bring us peace. Now, tell me about all these troubles" Eislyn replied sagely.

He sighed. There wasn't much of a use in talking about how the mission was executed, since that was practically the least of what was actually affecting him. "As we discussed, I was equating this mission with the mirror mission. But there was more to it. When I was taken to sickbay I fell unconscious due to my burns and then my-" he stopped, trying to find his words.

"Then my mind immediately went back to the old mission. The Mirror Shran interrogated me. Used that universe's version of my best friend against me. He tortured me, but worst of all, he was responsible for her death..." he trailed off as his eyes grew cloudy.

"Even if it wasn't the woman I knew and loved it still hurt to watch her die in my arms. Everyone else who got trapped in the other universe experienced some sort of torture or loss" he composed himself. "Perhaps that's the correlation that's setting me off. Seeing my friends get tortured and witnessing the aftermath."

"Very real and dark events that overlapped. And certainly something you should discuss further. The person you had die in your arms, is this the same person that escaped from our brig recently?" Eislyn inquired.

"Yeah. Hela's the one responsible for that" he said bitterly. "She decided to mess with my head and bring her back to life and pass her off as her prime counterpart."

Eislyn wrote down some notes on a PaDD. "So you were unaware of the deception. When did you figure it out, and what sort of feelings did it produce?"

"It was shortly before shore leave. I was just coming off duty when I came back to find my quarters ransacked. The only thing taken was a PADD containing my experiences in the mirror universe. It was classified" James sighed.

He continued, "I initially suspected that somehow our Captain's counterpart had somehow gotten a hold of it, which to be fair, I was half correct on that part" he took a breath and shook his head. "When I investigated the breach in the brig I realized Ash was the only other person who wasn't a senior officer with access to my quarters."

"It was then I realized that there were signs all along that she was her mirror counterpart. The feelings didn't come right away, but I was an idiot. I let Hela play me for the fool I was. And worst of all I put the entire crew at risk" he sighed. "But I've learned to live with it. There is no good in moping about what I could have done differently. When we find those two fugitives, I will do everything I can to apprehend them."

Eislyn sipped her drink and then placed the glass on the table next to her. "It is commendable that you want to apprehend them. But let's explore those thoughts and feelings you have regarding these Mirror Universe people. You seem to have strong thoughts and feelings about them we should address."

James sighed. "It's quite simple really. I witnessed my best friend align with the fugitive that murdered her. That fugitive happens to share a face with our Captain."

"I know it wasn't actually my best friend or Captain from this universe, but every once and a while when I look at the captain or think about my best friend, I get a sharp reminder of what their counterparts did and what they could do now that they're on the loose. That doesn't mean I have any less respect for the Captain, I'm just reminded more often of what happened and it makes me livid, because there's not a damn thing I can do right now" he vented.

"I know you likely grasp this based on what you just said, but you realize that these Mirror Universe people are not the people you know in our own universe, right?" Eislyn questioned. "You can't hold yourself responsible for what they do. They are like evil clones that have completely different lives, experiences, and moral standards. They come from a universe that is far darker than our own."

"I know they aren't" he shook his head. "I feel that that fact alone is the only thing keeping me sane."

"I know I shouldn't hold myself responsible, but the fact is now everyone is at risk, especially the captain and the real Ash if she's even alive. If I hadn't listened to my own damned desires, then" he stopped himself. "No. You're right doc. I can't blame myself. I can't control who deceives me and I can't let them get to me otherwise they win."

"You are allowed to make mistakes, especially mistakes based on your feelings and emotions" Eislyn replied.

Phoenix nodded. "So I have been told. It still hurts though. It probably will for a while" he said honestly.

"And that isn't a bad thing. It is meant to hurt in some way. But acknowledging it and trying to deal with it is the best thing for you" Eislyn replied. "We can set up a therapy schedule, give you an opportunity to have somebody to talk with about these matters. I think you would do well having that kind of outlet."

He simply nodded. "Thanks doc. I'll also be sure to conduct more personal logs as an outlet as well. To talk to myself as you suggested."

"That sounds good. I am going to clear you to return to duty. Light duty for a day, and then back to full duty afterwards. I've been told that you have been cleared by Dr. Howard already" Eislyn replied. "Really focus yourself when you do those log entries. I think you will find them good outlets for yourself."

 

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