Personal Log

Posted on Wed Aug 3rd, 2022 @ 5:06am by Commander Samantha Howard

CMO's Personal Log

How did we end up like this? It was supposed to be a fun outing on the holodeck for some bonding time amongst the ever changing senior staff. To welcome the new into the fold and let them get to know those of us who have been around far too long. Yet here we are, fighting for our lives against mythical goblins, stuck a thousand metres under ground in tunnels designed by people half our height.

I feel like a liability, everyone else is seasoned in combat, I have avoided it for most of my life, only defending, never attacking and only as the last ever resort. The blade I hold in my hand is slick with black blood, for that defence has been necessary to save my own skin. I have had to rely on others to cover me, with my leg wounded it is hindering my usual balance. I feel sick to my stomach, even though this is the holodeck, to have killed goes against everything I have trained for, everything I live and work for every day. It is the oath of all healers, above all else, do no harm. What have I turned into? What is this creature who would kill to save her own skin? I doubt my judgement, and my morals now more than ever. The skills are there for a reason, my skill is to heal, not to slay.

I don't understand why this program is affecting me so badly, it should just be a romp on the holodeck. The program has taken a life of its own now and threatens our lives constantly. I am reminded of the away mission with Savar that went horribly wrong. Forced to help those that tortured us I questioned my sanity more than once. I fear I will require the services of the counsellor after this, and a stiff drink. Mostly likely several of both.

That is - if we survive.