Hard Words to Speak

Posted on Wed Sep 9th, 2020 @ 11:25pm by Commander Samantha Howard & Commander Jonathan Grayson & Lieutenant Commander Estella Stratton
Edited on on Wed Sep 9th, 2020 @ 11:25pm

Mission: Tal Shiar
Location: CMO's Office

Judging from both Sam’s and Jon’s behavior, neither was thrilled to see her. Circumstances being what they were, she couldn't blame them. “Nice to see you both, too.” The Counselor jabbed at them with a small smile. This was going to be tougher than she’d thought.

“Right. Well I’ll let you get to it Essie. You talk to Sam.” Jon said with forced cheerfulness.

“ Excuse me? In this together....” Sam retorted, stepping around her desk and slipping into the chair newly vacated by the vanishing Dr Perrim.

“No, no.I distinctly hear Dr. Know it All, say Essie was here to see you.” Jon bantered back.

“Please, I am here to see both of you.” Estella said firmly, almost feeling like she was a teacher getting on to two children. Dr. Perrim clearly had both Sam and Jon quite annoyed. No doubt from all the tests. The two must have felt much like something on a paltri dish. After all they’d been through, perhaps the doctor could have been a bit more patient in his approach. She might have a word with him later on that.

Jon came back into Sam’s office and sat in a chair near the wall. He knew that tone Essie used. She wasn’t fooling around. She was serious and she wasn’t in the mood for his antics and jesting. He couldn’t joke his way out of this.

Sam kept her trap shut, taking some deep breaths to ground herself for what was inevitably coming. She’d given Essie a very...vague brief as to their experiences, the medical reports spoke for themselves.

“I’m sorry…We should be thankful for your help” She started, her eyes a little downcast.

Estella’s voice lowered, becoming softer. “No apology needed.”

The medical reports had filled in a number of gaps in Sam’s briefing. Just as they’d stirred memories. One’s that like them, she’d been resistant to the idea of sharing. That too was where her struggle lay. How could she expect them to open up about the trauma they’d been subject to when she wouldn’t be so with them about her own experience with the Tal Shiar?

“Right now, let’s start with baby steps.” The Counselor opened and took a breath. “The best way to work through trauma is to first acknowledge what you endured and to realize that you are not at fault.” The words, though she said them, rang hollow.

Jon sat quietly as Essie talked. He didn’t like appearing weak, vulnerable and he especially didn’t like having to talk about this with fiancee even though she was a trained counselor not to mention Sam was there as well. She lived it as he did. They really have to rehash all of the humiliation, pain and abuse?” He was a private person. Why couldn’t this remain private? He just nodded when she finished,

Sam sighed, focusing on the breath as it left her nose and using it to focus her mind. This was going to be difficult, best to acknowledge the fact and dive in head first anyway.
“ I hold no-one responsible bar the bastards on the base. I don’t hold the Captain, nor Commander Grayson responsible for what they did to us. We were just following orders, we knew it was probably a trap. It wasn’t our day to get lucky” She started, hoping that just starting would be the worst part. “ I do question some of the decisions we made - should I have developed a cure for them? Probably not… did it buy us some time...possibly. There’s so many ‘what if’s” her voice trailed off a little.

Stoic, Jon showed no signs of reaction. He was closed off. Much as she had been when he’d reached out to her, urging her to open up. All she’d been able to do then was admit how alone she felt. She’d shown herself weak and vulnerable.

In that too though, she’d had to come to terms with the fact that she was not only a Counselor, but that she was also a human being. That time too couldn’t always heal wounds. That some, no matter how small, or invisible, stayed with you and were ones that would have to be borne
for a lifetime. It was merely a matter of how she chose to wear them. That choice too would be one that they’d be faced with. Estella just hoped that somehow they’d open up and be able to work past any feelings of guilt, anger, or embarrassment that they might have.

Sam, on the other hand, appeared more composed. She was receptive. Perhaps a bit too much so. Then, wasn’t that the approach she’d taken when she’d had her own examinations before joining the crew on the Washington? If anything, Sam wanted to move past what had happened, but perhaps, hoped going straight in would somehow ease her troubles. Estella should have expected no less from her college. Sam had always been level headed and what they had endured likely tested every ethic she had.

Jon’s mind was in a whirl. He barely heard Sam talking as he was remembering two missions he had screwed up. The Borg and this one with the Tal Shiar. His confidence was shot. People under him had been hurt and abused because of the mistakes he made. He wasn’t fit to wear this uniform. Only people who were strong wore this uniform, not screw ups like himself.

Sam looked at Jon, encouraging him to say something - anything. She felt alone on a limb about to spill her guts to make herself feel better but she needed him to do the same.

Jon met Sam’s gaze and sighed. It was followed by a brief nod. Whatever Jon was now, one constant he remained he didn’t abandon his friends and Sam had become a close and good one. “It was worse than any dream could you ever have. Essie We were treated like animals. Bound hand and foot. Humiliated at every turn.They didn’t care about us. We were expendable!
We were there to poked, prodded, observed and if necessary die.”

Sam shuddered as the words brought back memories, but this was a part of the process. She had to face the demons before she could deal with them.
“ Worse than animals, at least animals have their dignity” She said quietly, focusing on her hands for the moment. Shame was apparent even though she tried not to let it show.

Their account was like reliving her father and twin brother’s deaths again. Yet, Estella stood there silent, listening to each of them relive bits of their experience and hating herself each minute. When she spoke, her voice was hoarse. “It is natural to question what might have changed. Just as it is natural to examine the what ifs, but the past cannot be undone.” Her head lowered. “Nor can what you endured.” She inhaled slowly and held her breath while she gathered her thoughts. “But how you come out of this, that is entirely up to you.”

Jon glanced at Sam. “Yes, worse than animals. We weren’t even allowed dignity. We were allowed nothing.” He said simply.

“ How do we move forward and put this behind us?” Sam asked matter of factly - she’d dealt with horrific events in the past but this one had rattled her unlike no other. It was unsettling and she wanted to be rid of it.

Jon looked at Essie. “Essie, did you read the medical reports? Especially Sam’s? Did you see the section that referred to contusions around her gums and lips and the bruising to her face? She was gagged Essie! Muted like some animal because the Romulans didn’t like the questions she asked! They beat her when she wouldn’t be quiet! And I stood there and watched! I was helpless to help her! A shipmate and a friend!” His voice wound down like a tired clock.

“Well I always knew my smart ass mouth would be me in trouble one day” Howard lamented, trying to lighten the mood “ They wouldn’t have done the same to you Jon, you had more sense to keep quiet though.”

“Not funny Sam.” Jon said quietly, knowing Sam was just trying to lighten the mood. It hadn’t helped. His head hung. He was angry, embarrassed, ashamed, helpless and guilty.

“ No… not funny, but hey you can’t knock a girl for trying” Sam retorted

“An A for effort Sam.” Jon replied.

How indeed? The physical stresses might heal and remain unseen. However, the emotional and psychological would be demons they'd have to face and overcome the rest of their lives. There was no wishing that away.

"One day at a time," Estella said, "and with proper supports in place." She was slow to meet Jon's gaze. "I have, Commander." Her words were even though she had to pause a moment and close her eyes to ward off tears.

The reports and Jon's impassioned words angered and disgusted her, reminding her of her own failures. She had to turn her back to them both so they wouldn't see how shaken she was.

“Essie?” Sam asked, concerned. It appeared there were more than two skeletons to be slayed in the closet. “ Hey, whatever’s going on, we need to get through this together”

Jon’s eyes narrowed at Essie’s use of his rank. He didn’t need that. He needed them to be Jon and Essie. Not be separated by rank. But he held his tongue. They didn’t need to get side tracked.

Estella had matched Jon’s curtness with her own so as to act as a balm on old wounds. It hadn’t helped. Fingers curling into her palms, the Counselor reflected on the same words she’d used only moments before with Sam and Jon.

“You’re right,” she croaked, barely managing to force the words from her lips. “We are in this together.”

Jon felt useless, no that wasn’t right he felt helpless. It was clear Essie was dealing with something as well and again keeping him at arm’s length about it which didn’t help current
matters.

Sam kept quiet, letting the words hang like a weight in the air. There would be much healing within the room before the end of this particular session was though - they all had demons to cleanse.

“ The guts of it goes something like this” Sam started, keeping her eyes low but forcing the words to come out. The more she spoke them, the less they could hurt her. “ We knew it was a trap going in, we knew the informant was probably going to double cross us but we had to try anyway. If half of what the intel came back as true got out, hell would be to pay. We found a lab containing a biogenic weapon in the form of a virus. We were caught but managed to blow the lab and tried to escape. On our way towards our exit our ‘informant’ caught up, hauled our asses to another lab where we were stripped and bound. My smart ass mouth got me gagged.” She paused for a few moments to gauge the reaction of her words.

Jon looked at her, “That isn’t entirely true Sam.” He faced Essie. “What Sam left out was we could see the exit and rushed towards it. I was in the lead and I was so focused on getting us
Out, I missed the neuro net that had been put in place just before the exit.” He sighed and closed his eyes. “We ran right into it and it knocked us out. The rest is exactly as Sam said. We were stripped and bound hand and foot.” He finished glad to get it out so the truth was known.

“ Right.. Sorry I missed the neuronet… my memory gets a bit fuzzy at times. There was so much going on” Sam admitted, rubbing the bridge of her nose as though it would clear up her memory somehow. Some parts were distinctly fuzzy. “ There was a scientist they brought in to create an inoculation or antivirus so to speak. Let’s just say he wasn’t progressing well”

“He was a dipshit.” Jon said disgustedly. “Sam offered to help him and SHE created the antivirus for the Romulans and what did she get for her efforts? She was cuffed around and gagged again while the heroic XO, yours truly stood by helplessly.” His words anguished.

“ What could you do Jon?” Sam shot back, her ire flaring just a little “They would have beaten you to a pulp had you tried anything, or worse yet shot you dead and left you to rot in that lab”

Jon shook his head. “I should have tried Sam!” He said stubbornly. “I should have tried.” He repeated. “I was in charge. It was my responsibility to get everyone out safely. I failed.”

“ You tried Jon, there’s no way we could have predicted a double crossing virus making Romulan bastard that knew our next move before we made it” Sam replied, keeping a lid on her temper this time.

Jon closed his eyes. The shame he felt along with the guilt of seeing Sam and Lisa hurt ate at him. He simply nodded once as Sam spoke.

“ We were infected with this virus the Tal Shiar had created, it was in our own best interest to find a cure - they started dying pretty quickly, it would only be a matter of time before we followed suit.” Sam continued, forging ahead with this purging of emotion. “ We felt like crap, joints hurt, breathing hurt, raging headaches...but we weren’t dying. I found a solution for them, I spliced their DNA into a genetic sequence from our antibodies our immune system was using to fight the virus. It worked.”

“Sam saved them and us.” Jon answered . “She is a true hero in every sense of the word and I’m going to put her in for a commendation as such.”

“ Suffice it to say that Straith...or whatever his real name is, threw us the key to our bonds, and thankfully something to wear and conveniently left waxing lyrical about sucking up to the praetor or something like that” Sam continued“ We got back to our beamout site, then beamed back. I should have shot him when I had the chance… Straith that is” She finished.

“And there you have it the whole sorry story in living color. Complete with comments by the participants. Non bias of course.” He added bitterly.

Back still turned toward them, Estella listened in silence as they recounted their experience with the Romulans and the torture they’d endured. As Sam mentioned a virus, her hands fisted then unfisted, and she swallowed so that she wouldn’t throw up. “A monster virus they developed and began testing years ago,” the counselor whispered.

So, they had created a monster, had they? After all their experimentation, they’d finally yielded a result that was almost beyond their control. How ironic… and fitting after what they’d made him do and the price he’d paid for it. Along with her father.

Sam thought about her reactions to the events and how they made her feel, there was an uncomfortable silence and she considered her true feelings. “I felt...worthless, as though we didn’t matter, and violated, they took our dignity and treated us worse than animals. Not to mention the emotional blackmail. I still question my helping them create the vaccine. How many Starfleet protocols did I break aiding the enemy?”

“Sam come on. You did what you had to do. There were extenuating circumstances. No one can fault you for what you did. Which was save the away team and the Federation.” Jon replied not wanting to see his friend beat herself up over something she had no control over.

“ I couldn’t bear to see you and Lisa suffer when I could do something about it” Sam said quietly, admitting her achilles heel had always been her compassion for her crewmates. It had been exploited in the past, and most likely would be again.