Mindfulness Preparation

Posted on Tue Feb 8th, 2022 @ 3:37pm by Lieutenant Commander Shoniara T’ghann-Travis Dr & Commander Jonathan Grayson

Mission: The Orion Syndicate
Location: CMDR Grayson’s quarters
Timeline: Pre Orion Arrival.

Following Captain Shran’s briefing Shon had made an appointment to see Jon in his quarters for his ‘counselling’ session. She had noted he seemed somewhat withdrawn in the briefing and was worried. She had made sure Callie was elsewhere before she arrived so that they would have some time alone, she pressed the chime.

Hearing the chime, Jon got up from the couch and went to he door. Hitting the unlock button the door slid open to reveal Dex standing there. "Hi Dex, come on in want something to drink?" he asked as he walked back further into the quarters.

“Hello Jon” she walked in. “No, thank you I just had lunch with Seth. Shall we sit?”

"Sure, make yourself comfortable Dex." Jon answered as he settled into the recliner.

She sat in the chair opposite him and, for a moment there was silence. “You know why I am here Jon?”

"Sure. you want to talk to me about my comments to the Captain earlier. I believe you said I was suffering from PTSD."

She smiled, “I think your comments to the Captain were perfectly justified, as for the PTSD that is something we need to explore. What are you feeling now Jon, give me your thoughts, do not give me what you think I want to hear. Tell me the truth?”

Jon met Dex's gaze and he knew he could be honest with her just like he could with Callie. " What am I feeling?" He repeated. "I feel like I'm a spring wound up tight. These last few months have been rough. The away mission where Sam, I and another were captured by Romulans. Essie being critically injured when we were swept into the mirror universe and now this whole sordid affair with T'vall."

She nodded, you have been through so much in such a short space of time. I only came on board at the back end of your ‘mirror universe’ mission but I have read the reports and I am surprised you are still functioning. If your body was completely healed you would have that to back you up but it is the emotional distress of all these that has caused this. Your mind has said ‘no more’ in an effort to help you. However you need to process all this, to work through it. I want you to try to tell me the worst thought you have, this can be anything.” She sat forward and took his hand. “Remember Jon anything you tell me is in confidence, I am your friend as well as your physician and I have the gift you gave me in sickbay and cherish it.”

Jon met Dex's gaze and thought on her question. He was silent for several seconds before finally replying. his voice low as he spoke. "Losing myself. Not being to do my job be it as a husband for Callie, a dad for Harry or as XO for the ship." He finished his eyes on her.

“That is a lot of expectation to put on yourself Jon, you would always have these thoughts as this is what gives us the push to function in life but because of the trauma you have seen and suffered it has become all consuming to the point of becoming all you think about. So, let us take them one by one and explore them.” She smiled gently, almost lovingly at him trying to put him at ease with her.

"I always have pushed myself Dex. You heard Callie. I always strive todo my best. Not being there for Callie and Harry, leaving them alone scares me."

“Jon you would not be normal if those things did not scare you and pushing yourself is what makes you the XO of this ship, striving to do best makes you a better human being. It is like your mind has stopped its progression and these thoughts and fears have shunted together making something manageable into something huge.”

"Dex, I worry about not doing my job. Failing Callie and the Captain." His voice tired.

“When did you last not do your job?” She asked. “You are never going to fail Callie, she is a strong woman, she has the man she wants to be with forever and your child on the way. She has never been happier. You can do no ill in her eyes.

"Dex..... Callie is my world. I love her totally and completely. I want her to always be proud of me. Same with this crew and Captain." Jon replied quietly.

“Jon, you never answered my question, when did you last not do your job?”

"When Sam and were captured by the Romulans. When Essie was seriously injured in the Mirror Universe! I was in charge of both those missions and people were hurt and almost died. My fault, my responsibility."

“Can you keep everyone safe all of the time?”

"Yes damnit! When I'm in charge of away missions. They are my responsibility."

“Jon do you keep thinking about what you perceived you did wrong or do you try to avoid them? It’s very normal to want to avoid remembering or re-experiencing what you went through. But the problem is that avoiding those memories doesn’t make them go away. In fact, when you try to suppress them, the thoughts, images, and dreams can actually become more threatening and intrusive. The only way to heal and move on is to reconnect to what you feel. This can be a terrifying step, but you can learn to reconnect with even the most uncomfortable emotions without becoming overwhelmed.”

"I think what I could have done differently." He looked at her, "Are you saying I am emotionally disconnected Dex?"

She looked him and nodded. “Yes Jon, you are. Many of us are disconnected from our emotions—especially strong emotions such as anger, sadness, fear that occur when things go badly because we to try to shut off our feelings. But while you can deny or numb your feelings, you cannot eliminate them. They’re still there, whether you’re aware of them or not. Jon even unpleasant emotions can have beneficial aspects. Sadness can support emotional healing, for example, fear can trigger life-saving action, and anger can mobilize and inspire.

Jon listened to his friend and knew she only had his best interests at heart. He looked at her, "Dex, what do I do?" he took a breath and then said the hardest words he ever had to say, "Help me."

All she wanted to do was take him in her arms and comfort him. She thought for a moment. “Of course I can help you Jon. I have been thinking possibly a form of what we call Cognitive Processing Therapy. It aims toward the recognition and reevaluation of trauma-related thinking. The treatment would focus on the way you view yourself, others, and the world after experiencing each traumatic event. Often times inaccurate thinking after traumatic events keep you stuck and prevent your recovery from trauma.”

She stood for a minute and stretched.
“Jon In this therapy you look at why the trauma occurred and the impact it has had on your thinking. It can be especially helpful for you who, to some extent, blame yourself for a traumatic event. The therapy focuses on learning skills to evaluate whether you thoughts are supported by facts and whether there are more helpful ways to think about your trauma. There is strong research support showing the effectiveness for people recovering from many types of traumas. How do you feel about this Jon?”

"I want this Dex. I want to get better, I feel guilty over what happened to Sam and Essie even what happened to Callie. So, I'll do whatever it takes and thank you Dex."

“Jon, please stop saying thank you, this may be painful for you but I will teach you some relaxation techniques you can use that will help. Now these sessions are totally private, just between you and me, do you want to start now or rather tomorrow? They do not have to be daily but every few days.” She smiled at him thinking how like Seth he was then put that personal thought from her mind.

"The sooner we start the better Dex, So let us start now." Jon replied.

‘Jon I would like drink of water , may I get you anything before we begin?” She stood and walked over to the replicator, cold water with ice in a tall glass with three slices of lemon. Jon?”

"No, no thank you Dex." Jon answered, He wanted to get on with fixing himself.

She sat back down and took a sip. “Right this may sound odd but do you know how to breathe properly from your diaphragm?”

He chuckled. "Yes Dex, I do."

She smiled, “well often people react in a strange way to that question. I want you to sit and do that for three minutes four times a day. Especially whenever your thoughts become black. You can do it anywhere especially in situations that produce stress for you. It will be important when we begin to look at the situations you have mentioned to me.” She sipped some more water. “Now, music therapy is another string to your bow. Listening to music we love increases serotonin in our brain, I want you to try that too. I hope you are taking notes!?”She laughed.

Jon smiled broadly at her, "I can remember this Dex. If I have any questions I know where to find you."

“The music therapy would be good with the relaxation. I need you to be able to relax when we begin to revisit your traumas.”

She sipped her water again.

“Finally today guided muscle relaxation. Get comfortable Jon, you do not have to lie down to do it, it will work if you're sitting up in a chair. Do make sure you're in a place that's free of distraction. Close your eyes if that feels best for you. Breathe. Inhale deeply through your nose, feeling your abdomen rise as you fill your diaphragm with air. Then slowly exhale from your mouth, drawing your navel toward your spine. Repeat three to five times. Tighten and release your muscles, starting with your feet.”

She looked at him and he was smiling, what’s wrong Jon?” She asked.

Jon smiled, well grinned, "My feet? What do I do with my feet?"

Clench your toes and pressing your heels toward the ground. Squeeze tightly for a few breaths and then release. Now flex your feet in, pointing your toes up towards your head. Hold for a few seconds and then release. Continue to work your way up to your body, tightening and releasing each muscle group. Work your way up in this order: legs, glutes, abdomen, back, hands, arms, shoulders, neck, and face. Try to tighten each muscle group for a few breaths and then slowly release. Repeat any areas that feel especially stiff. I will leave you this PaDD with everything we have discussed and I will see you in three days time.

Remember I am going to test you on this next time!” She looked seriously at him. “We need to stop these feelings you are having. If you can do the muscle relaxation it will help. We will re-live your traumas together and you will heal Jon, I promise you and Callie with all my heart. It will hurt whilst we are doing it but it will get easier and then your outlook will change. You will never return to the old Jon but you will be a better version of yourself.” She was relieved to finally stop talking.
Any questions Commander?”

"Nope, I got it Dex and you test away." he answered confidently. As he worked on the exercises Dex wanted him to do.

“Jon I want you to call me any time of the day or night, now I just have one serious question and I want a truthful answer remember this is all between you and me do you have any thoughts of ending your own life?”

His answer was swift and definite, "Of course not Dex! I may be emotionally detached but I am not suicidal."

“I am glad Jon, I have been through this myself and I was, so I had to ask.” She stood finished her water and ate the lemon slices. “Oh, one more thing, if Callie asks what do you want me to tell her?”

Jon thought for a moment before answering, "Tell her, we're working on defeating my inner demons. I know Callie, she'll want to help, so think of something she can do to help."

She nodded sagely, right I will go finish up in sickbay, we will run a mass casualty drill tomorrow so I need my sleep.” she smiled secretly to herself, she had no intention of sleeping, at least for the first few hours of the night. She pulled him to her and hugged him kissing him on the cheek. “By the way Jon, I think you could call me by my first name, call me Shon, your wife does. Goodnight, I can see my own way out.”