Self Preservation

Posted on Thu Jul 16th, 2020 @ 10:34pm by Lieutenant Commander Estella Stratton & Commander Jonathan Grayson
Edited on on Thu Jul 16th, 2020 @ 10:41pm

Mission: The Borg Encounter
Location: Sickbay
Timeline: Current

The surgery had been long and arduous. However Samantha using all her surgery expertise had prevailed and the Borg implants and augments had been successfully removed from Jon's body. Now the hard part began not just some physical therapy but the much more difficult challenge. Rebuilding Jon's mental state.

To deal with the challenge, required and expert. However not just in matters of the mind but also of the person and no one knew Jon better than Essie. She knew his likes and dislikes, his moods, his preferences and now she had to rebuild his confidence and sense of self after the violation the Borg had preformed on him.

He lay in the bio-bed still in Sickbay but away from others. His body had several medical patches on it to help in the healing of his skin where augments and implants had been removed.

Essie was there with him. Sitting in a chair close to the bed. Jon wouldn't look at her, He felt so ashamed of what he had been and what he could have done to her and the crew if he had succeeded.

The bio-monitors hooked to Jon quietly hummed or on occasion beeped as they monitored his physical state. Thankfully there wasn't one of his mental state. If there had been one, it would have shown a man shaken to his very core. His confidence gone. His ability to handle anything shattered. He was quiet, no subdued, his outgoing personality nowhere to be seen. He was a changed man.

Estella had maintained a silent vigil over Jon after her whispered pleas for forgiveness when he had been first admitted into sickbay and sedated. Like him, she warred with herself over some of her choices. Particularly the one to point a phaser at him. She still couldn't help but wonder how much differently things might have been if she'd chosen another approach.

Awkward, there was no other word for it. The air between them lacked warmth and in its place settled an uncomfortable silence as she searched for words. She would have to be careful in her approach. After all that Jon had endured, she had no doubt that there was a war raging within his sub conscience. Everything about him had been altered, worse, conformed to fit a certain ideology. He had been a prisoner in his own body. That in itself had to be nothing short of terrifying.

"Jon?" Estella addressed him, her voice soft and even. He hadn't so much as glanced in her direction. Not wanting to push him too hard, the Counselor took baby steps. The first would be his acknowledgement of her presence. Then the harder parts, they were going to work toward him coming to terms with what had happened, how he felt, and how to move forward and heal from that experience.

Jon heard Essie soft address of his name but he didn't look at her, he didn't react. How could he? He had been trapped in his own body. His mind screaming in silent protest at what he had done and no one heard, no one!

How could he tell the woman he loved and cherished how he felt? He didn't know how he felt. Emotions warred and clashed within him. Everything had changed. He knew he should answer her but how? should he call her Essie or Counselor or even Commander? He decided on the best and simplest approach. "Yes?" He answered his voice barely above a whisper. Still he wouldn't look at her.

Slow, almost frigid, he replied in a single word. Still, the Counselor tried to remain optimistic. Though there was no masking the flash of disappointment in her eyes as they glistened at the emptiness of his response. Estella blinked them back and continued to speak to him in a gentle tone. "Do you know where you are?"

Patience was needed. A great amount of it too considering all that he'd been through and she'd need it just as much if she was to hope to reach him and help him get past this.

He gave a slow almost imperceptible nod, "Sickbay, USS Washington, NCC-81533-E." He responded, his voice sounding eerily like a Borg as he answered Essie's question. Realizing how it must have sounded to her, he choked back a gasp or maybe a sob at the coldness of his reply.

Now he turned to look at her, His eyes glistening with tears as they ran down his face. "Essie." He said. One word a word full of the love he had for her as well as the faith in had in her. "Help me." He added in a sob.

A nod followed by hollow but accurate replies. "Good, thank you, Jon." He was at least aware of his surroundings. So he was present to some extent.

She swallowed back a whimper or gasp of her own when he turned to look at her. The man she'd known was but a memory for the man that looked back at her was completely and utterly broken. Extending a hand, she took one of Jon's into hers and squeezed. "That's why I'm here, Jon, and I'm not going anywhere."

His hand grasped, clutching at hers, like a drowning man clutching at a life preserver. He again gave a slight nod at her reply. His eyes searched hers as he spoke again. "I'm afraid to go to sleep." He confessed.

He turned away for a moment as a waking nightmare entered his mind. * You are Borg. You belong to us.* His Borg self spoke to him in a voice only he could hear. "I'm not a Borg! I'm not!" He cried out, shaking in the bed. he turned back to look at Essie. "I'm not." He pleaded.

His touch was sudden, desperate even. "Why, Jon? Why are you afraid to close your eyes?" She could only imagine the Hell he'd endured, but if she was to help him in any way, she understood she'd have to let him face that same turmoil all over again.

Estella swallowed as Jon turned away again. His internal struggle evident in his behavior. "No, Jon. You are not. Not anymore." She validated him while her thumb traced small circles over his knuckles. "You are Commander Jonathan Grayson."

The way he panicked now reminded her much of those first days after she'd lost her father and brother. The grief had been overwhelming. She didn't sleep well for weeks, to months at a time. Even now, she still had nightmares, though they were few and far between. To see Jon like this now almost broke her. He'd been scarred on more than a physical level. His very essence had been violated making him a stranger in his own body.

"They come in my dreams, Essie." He answered "The Borg. They come to reclaim me. I can't sleep. I won't let that happen to me again." He grew quiet then repeated the words Essie had spoken to him just moments before, "I'm Commander Jonathan Grayson." His voice still weak and doubtful however there was a spark of confidence when he said his name.

"Then you must flush them out." Estella answered with resolve. "Dreams are but a part of our subconscious. This is a fight you can win. You are no longer a part of the collective." A small smile almost reached her lips when he repeated her. "That's right, Jon. Don't you ever forget that."

He nodded, it was clear he had doubts big ones. But even now scarred as he was, he wasn't a quitter. "Right, flush them out. A fight I must win." His hand tightened around hers, "Don't leave." He told her. Having Essie here, calmed him and gave him the resolve to fight and return to the man he was once. He would do it for the both of them.

Dreams, whether symbolic or ghosts, had a way of embodying a person's deepest fears. For Jon, that fear seemed to be the thought of losing himself to the Borg. As a result he had become more than acutely aware of his vulnerability. Which perhaps made him feel weak, maybe even inferior to them in some way. That was not at all like the Jon she knew. Then, had she been the same person after...

No, she hadn't, and Jon might not be either. He would likely always be haunted by the memory of his assimilation and time among the Borg. Her fingers still laced with his, Estella raised their joined hands and placed a chaste kiss on his knuckles. "I'll be right here."

His head fell back on the pillow as Essie kissed his hand and made her promise to stay with him. His eyes closed briefly as thoughts and doubts better left unsaid flashed through his mind before opening them and looking at Essie, his eyes burning into hers, "I can feel them Essie, in the shadows. Watching me." He laughed bitterly, "Look at me." He demanded "Scared of shadows. How the mighty have fallen."

As Jon eased back onto the pillow, she relaxed, but only a little. Her hand laced with his seconds before he stared at her with such an intense look that she thought she might fold under his gaze. Jon looked at her with an expression of pure terror.

Estella's head lowered and she had to take a steadying breath. The Counselor searched for the right words to say and found them lost on her tongue when he insisted that she meet his gaze once more. The fear Jon had displayed moments ago was replaced by something bordering shame and even perhaps self loathing.

"What is it about them that frightens you, Jon?" she whispered.

Essie's question made Jon pause and think on what he was so frightened of with the Borg. They were relentless, never giving up when on an objective. That was a daunting challenge but it didn't frighten him. They were single minded. An intimidating
challenge but again one that didn't frighten him. Then he had it, "Their cold Essie. there is no warmth to them. Everything that made them who they were before being assimilated has been stripped away. The same was done to me. We were laid bare, a clean slate and remade in the image the Borg wanted. We were caricatures of our former selves." His voice trembling with emotion as he finished.

The directness of his answer, while not uncharacteristic of him, surprised her. His fears reflected her own when it came to the Borg. To her, they had been much like insects in terms of their mentality. Conforming to a singular ideal and living for that singular purpose. Their conviction though, was staggering. Not so different from the faith she practiced. So, the Counselor did not demean Jon's feelings or opinions on the matter.

"Those are not irrational fears or concerns, Jon. It is good that you acknowledge those feelings." Whether he realized it or not, he'd just taken the most difficult steps and the first she'd hoped that would help him toward healing.

"Is it?" He questioned. "I feel like a coward Essie. I've never been afraid of anyone or anything until now." Jon answered as he averted his eyes from her. "What's happened to me Essie?" He asked.

It was true. John had always had a certain air of confidence about him. She could lie to him and pretend that nothing had changed. That though would do more harm than good. "You've been shaken. Violated in sense." Estella lowered her voice at the next statement. "That is a natural response to trauma."

He raised his eyes to look at her. Essie had always been a calming influence on him and now in the mist of this latest crisis, she was once again providing a calming influence. "When will I be me again Essie? I hate what I am now."

When? That was a question to which she had no answer. He might never be the same. At least, not quite as before. She had changed after that one mission. In some ways for the better. Perhaps not so much in others. Jon would too. "You are still you, Jon. People change. You are going to come out of this stronger than before." Estella smiled. "One day at a time."

He was quiet as he reflected on what Essie had said. "People change, sometimes not of their own volition and not always for the better." He looked at her, "I hope your right about coming out of this stronger than before Essie. I certainly do hope so."

The truth of his words stung. She could not argue with them. Yet, Estella could not bring herself to voice her agreement with them either. To do so would open doors. Ones she still wasn't ready to breech with him. Her free hand moved to cup his face. "You will, Jon. Maybe not exactly the same, but you will."

 

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