Healing

Posted on Sun Sep 13th, 2020 @ 3:38pm by Commander Samantha Howard & Commander Jonathan Grayson & Lieutenant Commander Estella Stratton
Edited on on Sun Sep 13th, 2020 @ 3:39pm

Mission: Return to Paradise
Location: CMO's office

“Sam.” Jon said gently, softly, “It’s why you are such an outstanding doctor. Your compassion knows no bounds. You are amazing.”

“ You give me way more credit than I’m due. You held the team together, you wouldn’t let us give up” The Doctor challenged. “ Give yourself some credit where it is more than due Jon, you’re a damned fine officer.”

Jon’s eyes held gratitude at Sam’s words. He nodded once and remained silent, Waiting to see what came next.

“You acted admirably,” Estella whispered, telling them what she hadn’t been able to convince herself. “Jon, you held on. Had you done anything bold, you could have jeopardized your safety as well as that of Sam and Lisa.” Her fingers curled at her sides, almost as though she might claw into herself before crossing in front of her chest. “Sam, you did what you had to in order to stay alive and you got you and your crewmates out of there.”

“Then why don’t feel like I acted admirably? I feel lousy. Not just from what we all went through but mentally. I feel like a failure, no, that isn’t right. I feel like a fraud.” Jon commented to both Essie and Sam. “Sam acted admirably. She helped the enemy. Saved them from dying from their own virus. Lisa acted admirably. She was defiant the entire time we were held.”

“ You are NOT a failure Jon Grayson” Sam replied hotly “You’re the best XO I’ve served with. We’ve had a rough few missions lately, everyone’s feeling it, but you are not responsible for how things turned out”

“Sam.” Jon said softly. “I appreciated your words, your support and friendship more than you will ever know. It just shows what a remarkable and compassionate person you are. Fact is the
Executive Officer like the Captain is responsible for the success or failure of a mission as well as the safety of the away team. I failed in both areas.”

Jon’s feelings were a reflection of hers in every way. Perhaps that was why she couldn’t bring herself to raise her voice to him. Rather, she chose to address those thoughts. “Jon, if you had acted out, do you think it would have bettered your chances?” Estella’s voice wavered. “As a commander, you took initiative and when a threat was presented, you tried to remove you and your team from the area. Few Commanders would have kept your resolve.” It was more than a compliment, but a testament to the man he’d always been and the man he still was. Even after everything, Jon still put others first.

“Essie……” Jon began and stopped. He had no answer for her or himself. He could only hope that one day he could forgive himself.” He looked at her, silent for several seconds then spoke. “When are you going to forgive yourself Essie?”

Sam was quiet, giving the two the space they needed.

The Counselor laughed bitterly. “Likely, when you forgive yourself. I swear, Jon. You and Sam both don’t give yourselves enough credit.” Her words took the same somber tones. “I’ve lost count of the times, I’ve asked myself if I had chosen to act differently if maybe I had tried to dissuade Ethan, if perhaps he might not have gone. Then they wouldn’t have forced him to make that virus.”

Her hands shook and she sniffled. “I wish I’d had his courage… When the Tal Shiar insisted he choose which of us was to be the first test subject, he refused and injected himself with the virus. But for his disobedience, they chose for him.” Estella’s head lowered. “I cannot tell you how often I’d wished it had been me, instead of them.” She wiped away tears. “Instead, I stood there, frozen. Paralyzed by my own fear, even when they asked me who stood the best chance of survival.” The last bit, Estella said through gritted teeth. “If that wasn’t sick enough, they told me how I should consider myself fortunate. Because they were to be my stimulants. So they could observe how the virus might impact families, and perhaps… entire populations. And no, even now, I do not regret reducing that research facility to stardust.”

Sam tried her hardest to remain composed as Estella told her story, bringing her own skeletons out of the closet so to speak. The doctor could do little but listen and hoped to provide a comforting presence.

“ I’m so...so very sorry Estella” She said quietly, the counsellors' words putting her own experience very much into perspective.

“Essie, let me help you.” Jon waved a hand at Sam including her. “Let Sam help you. We can help each other and draw strength from each other. It’s better than going through this alone.”

“Now who’s sounding like the counselor?” Estella teased, albeit half heartedly. Yet, she presented no argument, nor did she make any excuses. She was fresh out of both and had been alone so long, it felt almost like she was back in that dank cold cell, watching herself die inside the same way she’d had to witness her brother and father succumb to the virus.

One she’d hoped had gone into the cold depths of space and never reach civilization. However, from the things the Counselor had read over in Sam’s reports… This virus bore the same signature. Some way and somehow someone had managed to get out of the facility alive. Thank God that Sam had done as she did… otherwise Estella hated to consider the outcome, because that would have meant two more losses. Maybe it was crazy, but she couldn’t help but feel that death followed her and preyed on those that mattered most to her.

Then, trauma had a way of bringing one’s deepest fears and insecurities to the surface.

“ Anything’s better than trying to deal with something on your own” Sam regarded her two friends with a purposeful look. “We need to stick together, talk together, be together to heal. No-one is alone”

A smile finally came to Jon’s face. He hated seeing Essie vulnerable but if it helped her overcome what she was feeling he was for it. He would help her anyway he could and he knew Sam would do the same.

“ I suggest, being the resident medical professional in the room, no offence Essie, that we continue to discuss things as they come to mind, perhaps over a drink or two, or dinner” She offered, hoping to lighten the mood a little.

“Or drinks with dinner.” Jon offered, “Have to cover all the bases here.” He noted “In any event that is an excellent idea.”

“ Drinks with.. Before… during.. After, a good old fashioned debrief in a casual environment amongst friends - the best therapy anyone could ask for” Sam said with a smile, recalling the methods of the old fashioned emergency services ‘debrief’ after bad incidents.

“I couldn’t agree more Sam. Food, drinks and good friends has the making of a wonderful and hopefully relaxing evening.” Jon replied honestly.

Anything was better, Estella still had her doubts. Then, her mother had been cold and distant since their undertaking of that mission. Her mother had been angry that she hadn’t told them not to go. Even more so when she’d learned that it would be the three of them going and only one of them returned. And when Estella had thought to confide in someone, that friend had left without so much as a goodbye. Yet, the Counselor had borne the weight of her pain and guilt so long that it was almost unbearable. Knowing too what she did of what had happened to Jon and Sam, how could she hope to help them heal if she didn’t try to heal herself? How could she call herself a Counselor if she wasn’t to consider her own mental well being alongside theirs, when they’d all shared a similar experience?

Estella turned slowly to face them and nodded. “Yes, agreed. Whatever it takes.”

"Agreed, why don't we have dinner tomorrow night, just the three of us. No agenda, just good company?" Sam suggested, thinking this was a good point to break their first session.

“Sounds like an excellent idea to me Sam.” He looked over to Essie. “Essie, what do you say?”

Sam looked at Essie with an encouraging smile, adding a hand squeeze for good measure. "Together" she finished.

Fingers curling in Sam’s, she squeezed the doctor’s hand back. “It’s a date.”