Concern is More than a Word

Posted on Thu Apr 30th, 2020 @ 7:38pm by Lieutenant Commander Estella Stratton & Commander Jonathan Grayson

Mission: Unto Darkness, Light
Location: Essie's Quarters.
Timeline: TBD

Jon stood outside Essie's quarters. They had been back on the Washington after a nice getaway and a chance to unwind and enjoy each other's company. Yet Jon couldn't shake the feeling Essie was keeping something from him. Oh, he knew she loved him and he her. This was more like a ghost hanging around, something she didn't want to bother him with and that was just plain silly. So he stood outside her door, waiting to see her and hoping she would open up and let him know what was troubling her.

Estella lay on the sofa with a cup of lukewarm Jasmine tea on the table in front of her. A routine. One she hadn't broken in a long time as the floral brew tended to help her relax so that she might clear her thoughts. It had been almost a year, or was it two, maybe three, since she'd lost both her father and twin brother? Estella couldn't recall, but she recognized that same gnawing emptiness that ate at her.That same heavy weight on her heart. A guilt that she had never relieved herself of. Always around this particular time too. Her eyes still closed, she drew in some slow deep breaths. She focused on the quiet. Then worked on her breathing. A chime interrupted both and she stood to make her way to the door.

Jon waited patiently for Essie to open the door. He wanted to talk or rather have her talk to him instead of him feeling he was bothering her with some various problem. If Essie had a fault it was she kept thinks bottled up inside her, under the mistaken impression she was bothering people if she came to them about a problem. He hoped today would be different.

The counselor smoothed out her uniform and tucked back a loose hair behind her ear before opening the door. "Jon, this is a surprise. Is everything alright?"

He flashed a boyish smile at her, "Hi Essie, um yeah everything is great. Can I come in for a minute? I'd like to talk to you. if you don't mind."

She hesitated a moment, then returned the boyish grin with a weak smile. His timing could have been better. "Uh, sure," she said, gesturing to the open doorway. "Make yourself comfortable."

"Thanks." He said as he moved past her and into her quarters, taking a seat on the couch. He waited for her to come back and join him. He also knew by her greeting, he could have picked a better time to come and see her. All which meant Essie was keeping something from him.

"Would you like something to drink?" Estella gestured toward her tea when the door closed behind him. The invitation made out of formality as the Counselor wasn't in the mood for company. Her battles remained those she chose to fight alone. As were certain parts of her life kept private. Her mission with her father and brother, being one of those things.

Jon didn't answer right away. He wasn't a counselor but he was observant and he knew something was bothering Essie and he wanted to know what and help her. When he finally spoke it was to say, "Just a glass of water Essie." Then he was again quiet as he waited.

"Water it is," Estella commented before using the replicator. Glass in hand, she approached the sofa and sat down beside him. "Here you go." She clasped her hands. "Now, what did you want to talk about?"

"Thank you." Jon replied as he took a sip before facing Essie. he took a deep breath, " You. I want to talk about you Essie. I know something is bothering you and I want to help you Essie. Please don't push me away or shut me out." He pleaded.

The counselor's shoulders hunched and she let out a soft sigh. "I'm fine, Jon." A half truth, yes. While her and Jon could talk about almost anything the one area of her life she hadn't let him in was in regards of that diplomatic mission she'd gone on during their breakup. The mission that had destroyed her family and ruined her relationship with her mother.

Jon scowled in annoyance. "Essie, come on, somebody else might believe that. I don't. I can see it in your eyes that something is bothering you." He looked at her. "Is it me? Have I done something to upset you?" He didn't think so but Essie was acting so unEssie he wasn't sure. He sat there waiting for her answer and what he would do if she said yes.

His disbelief did not surprise her, or phase her. Then, Estella hadn't expected anything different. Not from Jon. He knew her too well. So an answer did not come quickly. "No, Jon. You have not done anything." The Counselor offered him that little assurance along with a truth. "I just have a lot on my mind."

"Correction, you have something on your mind that's bothering you and you don't feel like you can tell me." He shook his head, "If i did this to you, you'd be telling me how wrong I was not to let you help. So that's exactly what I'm telling you. Why won't you let me help you? Do you think I won't or can't understand?"

His last remark earned him a little chuckle. "We all have our secrets, Jon." Estella cast him a wistful smile before picking up her nearly cold tea to take a small sip. Even after all this time and all her and Jon had been through, she wasn't sure she was ready to talk about that mission. It would be like reliving that day. And she'd already done that more than once. First, in her necessary psychiatric sessions before returning to duty. Then, in her dreams, sometimes. Though that happened only once in a great while.

"Well you chuckled and smiled so that's a start." Jon remarked. "But seriously Essie, I wish you'd let me help you. I feel I'm on the outside looking in with the woman I love. Also if I said we all have secrets, you would have let me have it. So why do you get away with it?" The last said with a jesting tone in his voice.

She lowered her cup. A slight frown touched the corners of her mouth as she set the cup back down on the table. "Get away with it, Jon?" Estella echoed his question with a note of accusation. "There are a number of things I do not know about you. And rightly so." It was true. She still felt a little twinge of pain when it came to his relationship with Sachzny. More out of her lack of understanding. Their connection was something she could not have with Jon. She had come to terms with that and respected that bond without animosity. To her, it was about as sacred as her ties to her family. So it annoyed her that Jon would make such statements.

Jon could see he struck a nerve with Essie and he was sorry for that but damn he was trying to help her and she was keeping him at arms length and he refused to apologize for trying to help her. "Any secrets I have I am more that willing to let you know Essie all you have to do is ask. Furthermore we love each other, hopefully we'll get married and we aren't suppose to have secrets from each other. He shook his head, "I didn't mean to make you mad and I'm not here to fight with you Essie, I'm trying to help you."

She appreciated his candor and his honesty. Though she might not always agree with him. She had seen her mother and father live worlds apart. Her father had disclosed little of his service to Starfleet to her mother. Could she say their marriage had been an entirely happy one though? Perhaps not all the time. Then, was any marriage perfect? And to be honest, while she wanted to know almost everything there was to know about Jon, she'd come to respect that there were some things he might not wish to share with her. Right now, the counselor was not ready to open up about her father's or brother's deaths. Though the truth was, she might not ever be ready.

"I appreciate that Jon, but I'm just not ready."

Jon heard Essie's gentle rebuke of his offer to help her. He also knew not to force the issue. That would lead to Essie just digging in her heels and refusing to talk. Essie was quiet but he knew from experience that she could be as stubborn as a a Jem' Hadar. He also knew if the time came and Essie wanted to talk to him she would. That was one of the many things he loved about her and their relationship. They could disagree on a subject but not be disagreeable. Never had a disagreement of theirs ever sunk to name calling. Further he didn't want a bobblehead,(someone who always agreed with him) and he knew Essie felt the same way.

Her cheeks had flushed softly at his mention of his hopes for their future. Though she might not have voiced it, Estella wanted a future with him too. Right now though, she couldn't be as open with him as he would have liked. It meant a great deal to her that he wasn't pushing the issue and that he was trying to be patient with her.

He smiled at her. "Alright Essie but when you are ready, I'm here for you. Never doubt that." As he kissed her cheek gently. "I love you Essie Stratton, never forget that."

Estella offered him a weak smile and nodded in answer. "I love you too, Jon." Inwardly hoping he'd remember the same.

He smiled at her statement, nodded and kissed her again. "I won't take anymore of your time just remember what I said please?"

It was hard not being able to talk to him. This though was a pain, a ghost, she just was not ready to share with him. "Of course," she whispered and only after he left did she allow the tears to fall.

 

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